


Hansel & Gretel : Avengers

by Whedonista93



Category: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 01:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11863545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whedonista93/pseuds/Whedonista93
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like





	Hansel & Gretel : Avengers

**Author's Note:**

> aggiepuff  
>  As always, don't know how I ever wrote without you!

Darcy was bopping her head along to her headphones when the elevator opened and she felt a tingle down her spine. She immediately yanked the headphones out and zeroed in on the source.

“Oh my Thor!” Darcy all but squealed. 

“Hmm?” Jane responded, clearly distracted.

Darcy hand flapped excitedly.

“Clint and Natasha? Not gonna lie, not who I expected you to fangirl over the most.”

Darcy realized belatedly that she was still hand flapping when the duo gave her amused smirks.

“Uh, hi.” Darcy aborted one flapping hand entirely and halfway waved with the other. “I'm Darcy. And you two rock! I have your posters.” 

“I'm Clint. This is Natasha. And the battle happened like two days ago. How are there posters? Are there posters?”

“Not  _ those _ posters. Th- oooh. I get it. They don't know. I'm tracking.” Darcy mimed locking her lips, then winked over her shoulder as she walked away.

“What the fuck just happened?” Clint asked. 

Nat just shrugged.

 

“What the fuck is that?” Clint used one hand to point over Tony’s shoulder and the other to rub at his bleary eyes.

Tony glanced over his shoulder and chuckled. “ _ Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters _ . Supposed to be some kind of blockbuster. Fairytale mixed with historical inaccuracy, blood, and gore.”

“Who comes up with this shit?” Clint groaned.

Tony’s chuckle turned into full on laughter. “Well, in this case, you did, Hawkass.”

“I what?!” Clint squawked.

“Yeah, a year or two ago? That one party with that one director… or maybe he was a screenwriter?” Tony shrugged. “Either way. Natasha was out of the country, so you were completely shit faced and spent a good hour raving about the inaccuracy of the fairy tale. Guess the guy ran with it.”

Clint didn’t dare look at Nat. He knew without seeing it that the look on her face would promise death.

“ _ You’re _ calling Barney,” Nat threatened, checking his shoulder as she shoved past.

Clint groaned. “Shit.” 

 

“Hey McBiceps! You going to the movies with us?” Darcy’s voice rang up into the rafters.

“No.” Clint didn’t even care if he was being petulant. He was  _ never _ going to live this down. 

“Even if I ask pretty please?” Darcy pouted.

“Damn it, Darce! Not the puppy dog eyes!”

Darcy just managed to somehow make her eyes wider.

Clint groaned and dropped from the rafters. “You win.”

Darcy squealed. “Yay! Now let’s go get Nat!”

Clint literally dug his heels in to halt her dragging him across the floor. “No way in hell is Nat gonna go.”

“She said she would if I could convince you.”

“Conniving old woman,” Clint muttered under his breath.

Darcy heard him anyway. “Nat’s not old.”

“Older than you think,” The redhead answered for herself, stepping into the hallway in a tight black cocktail dress. “Clint, you are  _ not _ wearing that to a movie premier.”

“Nat…” Clint sounded dangerously close to whiny.

“Nice jeans, button up, and a vest are laid out in your room. Go. Don’t fight it and I’ll let you wear your grungy ass boots.”   
Clint saluted sloppily and took off down the hall.

“Make it snappy or we’ll be late!” Darcy called after him. 

 

“They did  _ not _ make those bitches ugly enough.” Clint muttered as they left the theater.

“Agreed,” Nat muttered back.

 

“Seen the movie yet?” Barney smirked across their video chat. “Oh wait, “Avengers Stun at  _ Hansel and Gretel _ Premiere,” the headlines read. Look, Clint, your arms are covered. Did hell freeze over?” Barney held the tabloid up to the camera.

“Fuck off, Barney.” Clint slammed his forehead against the desk.

“How the hell did this even happen?” Barney demanded.

“Clint is a loudmouthed drunk.” Nat slinked up behind him.

“You don’t let him get  _ that _ drunk!”

“I was out of the country.” Nat glowered down at the back of Clint’s head. “Did you get the advance copy I had Stark send?”

Clint jerked up to glare at her.

Barney smirked. “Yeah. Edward loves it. I’m a bit offended at the poncy lad that played Ben.”

Clint scoffed. “You were an awkward kid for a long fucking while, dude. I thought he was a good pick.”

“Kate named an orange tabby kitten Mina.”

Clint huffed out a breath. “Guess I should just be glad I didn’t totally fuck us over and they took some creative license.”

Nat hummed in agreement.

“It was actually Cassandra, wasn’t it? And she was a brunette,” Barney recalled.

“A very curvy brunette,” Nat confirmed.

“You make a move on the intern, yet?” Barney asked.

Clint flipped him off.

“Take that as a no, then?” Barney smirked.

Clint scrunched his nose and looked at Nat. “When did he get so damn snarky? I miss the hero worship phase.”

“Yeah, that vanished at least a good century ago,” Barney drawled.

Clint pouted.

Nat took a seat on his knee and shrugged. “There’s something about her…”

Barney sobered. “Something like what?”

“Don’t know. Can’t put my finger on it. He’s been following her around like a puppy since New Mexico, though.”

“Have not!” Clint protested, jostling the knee Nat was perched on. 

The other two ignored him.

“He’s done that once before,” Barney reminded gently.

“Cassandra.” Nat nodded slowly.

“Could Darcy…”

“Maybe. I’ll have to look into it soon.”

“Have at it, then. Visit soon.”

Nat waved at the screen absentmindedly as Barney signed off.

 

Nat froze, honestly shocked for the first time in… well, she really didn’t know how many years. But she was. Shocked, that was. Frozen in the door of Darcy’s room, staring at her own face. Her  _ old _ face. It took her a full two minutes to notice Darcy perched on the bed, expression amused and expectant.

Nat gestured toward the nearest poster. “That answers most of the questions I was coming here to ask.”

Darcy laughed. “I seriously can’t believe it took you this long to figure it out.”

“The poster comment from that first day certainly makes more sense now.”

“I’ve had some of these so long I don’t even remember where I got them.”

Nat leaned close to the nearest one and then jerked back to stare at Darcy, eyes wide. “This is one of Ben’s.”

Darcy nodded. “Do you have any idea how many preservation charms I’ve had to put on those damn things? I mean, of course I have them all scanned into digital files these days, but those are  _ hand drawn _ .”

Nat shook her head and sighed. “I’d offer to get them signed for you, but we gave him so much shit about drawing these in the first place that he would  _ never _ let us live it down that some White Witch has his hand drawn posters hanging in her fucking bedroom centuries later.”

“They’re good.”

“They are.” Nat smiled gently. “But I’ll never admit that t him.”

“So… anyone else know?”

“Steve. Saved his ass a lifetime ago. He thought SHIELD was fucking with him the first time he saw Clint.”

“You didn’t freak him out?”

Nat shrugged. “I had a different face back then. I might’ve freaked him out  _ more _ .”

“That’s a complicated spell… changing your face. A strong spell.” Darcy said carefully.

“One you’ve used once or twice?” Nat surmised.

Darcy shrugged. “Not usually something I brag about, but… well, keeping secrets from you two just doesn’t seem like a good idea.”

Nat suddenly grinned ferally. “From me, no, but from Clint? Well, I think we can keep this just between the two of us for now.”

“Why?” Darcy narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

“He’s being stubborn about something. I think you can help me make him squirm.”

 

The Avengers stared at the group of assembled… women? that had landed on the rooftop with a certain amount of trepidation. They looked like aliens. They looked like monsters. They were obviously magic. The team couldn’t move. It was as if someone had paralyzed them and glued them to the floor. Steve flicked his eyes toward Nat and Clint, who seemed to be the midst of one of their silent discussions. He cleared his throat. Both of their gazes snapped toward him.

“Look, I really don’t wanna push, but if this issue is what I think it is… now would be  _ great _ time for you two to  _ do _ something.” Steve stared them down.

Eventually, Clint groaned. It was as good as giving in.

“Fine.” Nat sighed.

And they dropped their facades, stepping forward in sync, as unaffected by dark magic as ever.

The assorted witches scrambled backward before the lead witch regained her composure. She sneered toward Nat, wand raised. “Not the White Witch we came looking for, but you’ll do, Gretel.”

Before she could move her wand a searing white light took her hand off.

“Guessing I’m the one you were looking for, then.” Darcy’s eyes were as cold as her wand’s light was bright.

“Darcy, we can handle this. You don’t have t-” Nat tried.

“I know,” Darcy cut her off. She flicked her wand once, a crossbow, gun, and bladed whip flying toward the siblings. “But technically, this is my fight. What kind of person would I be if I hid behind my friends and let them fight my battles for me?”

“A smart one,” Clint muttered, automatically going for his gun - he’d interrogate her later about how she knew where to find  _ these _ specific weapons hidden in his room. One glance at Nat picking up her crossbow made the questions die before they could even fully form. Her smirk was too knowing.

The witches were getting twitchy.

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Avengers! When you can move again? Take their heads off.”

“Tear their hearts out,” Nat added.

“And set their asses on fire,” Clint finished.

The coven did a good job of protecting the witch holding the spell keeping the Avengers in place. When one of the witches managed a lucky throw - resulting in a knife in Clint’s gut and Clint himself lying too still, dangerously close to the edge of the roof, Darcy decided she was  _ done _ with this fight.

“Enough!” Her voice rang over the fighting. Her wand arced through the air, the light flashing from the end of it blinding and sizzling, and all the witches dropped, suddenly as useless as the Avengers had been mere seconds before. The Avengers were dragging themselves shakily back to their feet, most having collapsed when the spell holding them was released. 

The lead witch, still clutching the bloody stump that used to be her hand to her middle, sneered up at Darcy. “You can’t… you shouldn’t have been…”

Darcy strode over to her and kicked her onto her back. She left one foot planted firmly on the woman’s neck and her wand pointed at the bitch’s head. “What? A white witch can’t use offensive spells? A white witch can’t harm? A white witch shouldn’t be able to take out a whole coven in one sweep. Spare me the ignorance. You  _ knew _ I was strong. You wouldn’t have tried coming for me anyway.”

“But  _ that _ …” the woman’s voice rasped. “Only a-”

“Grand witch would do that?” Darcy arched a single brow. “Tell me something I don’t know. Stark! Got an incinerator anywhere in the Tower?”

 

“ _ Grand _ White Witch?” Nat leaned against the bathroom door as Darcy pulled a tee shirt over her head.

Darcy shrugged sheepishly. “Didn’t seem relevant before. Red Room?”

Nat sneered openly. “There’s a lot of dark witches buried in Hydra’s ranks. They fucked with my memory.  _ Bad _ .”

“She didn’t know who the fuck she was by the time I caught up with her.” Clint appeared behind Nat.

“Why were you separated in the first place? Thought you guys were glued at the hip.” Darcy stepped into the hall with them.

“Can you imagine no breaks from this ugly mug for _ centuries _ on end?” Nat patted Clint’s cheek affectionately.

Darcy shrugged. “Starting to think about it.”

Clint sputtered and froze as Nat laughed and followed Darcy into the elevator.

Darcy turned her attention to Nat. “The troll?”

“Edward?” Nat grinned. “On the farm with Barney.”

“Barney, Clint’s brother, Barney?”

Nat shrugged. “Or Ben, if you’re feeling old fashioned.”

“Wait… you were serious about getting my posters signed, weren’t you?! How is that kid still  _ alive _ ?”

“It took us a long time to find the spell, so he looks a lot older than us, but…”

“He’s important to you.”

Nat nodded.

“I can’t wait to meet him.”


End file.
